Supporting your child through school-related anxiety

–by Dr. Tim Grivois, Executive Director

When Your Child Says, “I Can’t Go to School”

Hearing your child say they can’t go to school because of anxiety can be heartbreaking and overwhelming. School refusal due to anxiety is more common than many grownups raising kids realize. You want to help, but it’s hard to know the right words to say. The good news is, you don’t need to have all the answers. What matters most is showing your child that you understand their feelings and that you’re there to support them through their school-related anxiety.

Understanding Tricky Thoughts in Children with School Anxiety

Anxiety often shows up as “tricky thoughts”—thoughts that feel very real to your child but aren’t always true. These thoughts can create barriers to learning, friendships, and everyday activities like going to school. Tricky thoughts might sound like:

• “Everyone will laugh at me.”
• “I’ll never be able to do this.”
• “Something bad will happen if I go.”

These thoughts aren’t a sign of weakness or failure. They’re a normal part of how anxiety works. As grown-ups raising kids with anxiety, our role isn’t to argue with these thoughts but to walk alongside our kids and help them view these thoughts differently. Identifying and addressing school anxiety early can make a significant difference.

What to Say When Your Child Refuses to Go to School Due to Anxiety

1. Acknowledge Their Feelings First
   • “I can see that you’re feeling really worried about school today. That must be really hard.”
     When your child feels heard, they’re more likely to open up about their school-related anxiety.
2. Ask Gentle Questions to Explore Their Thoughts
   • “What’s the hardest part about going to school today?”
   • “Has there been a time when you felt this way, but things turned out okay?”
     These questions aren’t about fixing the problem right away. They’re about helping your child think through their feelings related to school refusal.
3. Offer Reassurance Without Dismissing Their Fears
   • Instead of: “There’s nothing to worry about.”
   • Try: “It makes sense that you’re feeling nervous. Let’s think of one small step we can take together.”

Challenging Tricky Thoughts Together to Overcome School Anxiety

You can help your child notice when tricky thoughts are taking over. Here are some examples:

• Unhelpful Thought:“I’ll never get this right.”
  • Try Saying: “Is this thought helping you feel better or solve the problem?”
  • What to Do: Break tasks into small, manageable steps to build confidence and reduce school-related anxiety.
• Extreme Thinking:“I always mess up.”
  • Try Saying: “Has there ever been a time when this wasn’t true?”
  • What to Do: Remind them of times they succeeded, even in small ways, to build resilience against school anxiety.
• Mind-Reading:“Everyone thinks I’m dumb.”
  • Try Saying: “How do you know what others are thinking? Did someone say that?”
  • What to Do: Focus on facts and real experiences, not assumptions, to counteract school-related anxiety.

Supporting Your Child Beyond School Refusal

Helping your child with school-related anxiety is a process. Consistent support, open communication, and small steps toward overcoming fears can make a big difference. If anxiety symptoms persist, consider reaching out to a school counselor or mental health professional for additional support.

By acknowledging your child’s feelings, asking thoughtful questions, and challenging tricky thoughts together, you’re providing them with the tools to manage school anxiety effectively.